Oh Goody

Posting Location: My Home, Parma, OH.

For the past week or so, we've had a gray cat coming around our house about once a day or so. It's mainly kept itself occupied with encouraging our three cats and our dog to freak the fuck out whenever they see it (which puts it mostly in front of our screened-in front porch), but occasionally we've seen it in the backyard.

For the past week or so, we've also had a few raccoons hanging out around our garage late at night. They've mainly kept themselves occupied with sneaking into the garage itself through the hole in the shingling to eat the garbage we put in there to keep wild animals from eating it. Occasionally, they've been encouraging the dog to freak the fuck out whenever we let her out late enough at night.

Neither of these has seemed particularly blog-worthy ... until tonight. It now seems that both the gray cat and the raccoons have simultaneously decided to take up the additional hobby of freaking the fuck out of each other. Looking out an upstairs window at the sound of Raccoon Noises, I was just able to catch the cat slinking away from the garage and a large shape slinking away from the garage roof.

And if you already think this turn of events must be leaving me feeling just smashing, I haven't even mentioned the fact that some new people moved in next door the other day ... with their dog. So, to put everything into perspective, we now have in the vicinity of my house at any given time

(1) Three cats that hate everything as much as cats normally do, and don't hesitate to get aggressive when something threatens their territory (including our dog),

(2) A dog that spazzes out whenever anyone new even comes near the house, and Lords help us if it's another animal,

(3) A fourth cat that may or may not be a stray, but definitely seems to get enjoyment out of antagonizing restrained animals,

(4) One or more raccoons that may or may not be nesting, putting their personalities somewhere between the raccoon-normal "poking-the-bear" and the parental state of "I-will-claw-your-eyes-out-and-eat-them",

and

(5) A second dog which, while harboring as-yet-unknown motives, is still another dog.

It's only the first of June, and already this is shaping up to be a fun summer.

How Owning A Genesis As A Kid Cost Me $400 Now

Posting Location: My Home, Parma, OH.

WARNING: There are points in this post where I grow entirely too poetic considering the subject matter. I blame this on both the hour and the lack of any other recent writing on my part providing an alternative outlet.

Being both a fan of the first two games and an absolute sucker for crossovers, I got excited when Super Smash Brothers: Brawl was first announced. And like many, my interest in the game went up a few bars when they first let out that a third-party character would be included for the first time. Unlike many (or so I've gathered), I began personally following developments as they were leaked once I learned about the official website. Mostly, this was an exercise in masochism; the list of additions and features kept sounding better and better, but I never seriously thought I'd be buying the game. My personal funds have historically been a little lacking, and with very few exceptions every video game I've ever owned I received as gifts from other people. Brawl was a "must have" game, but in the same way as at least ten films will become "must see" for me every summer, and as many new television shows will become "must watch" every fall.

And then, in mid-October, they officially acknowledged that Sonic the Hedgehog would be appearing in the game. Above and beyond even the average child of the 90's' reaction to the concept of an official game in which Mario and Sonic could fight each other, this revelation jolted me.

At this point I'm going to go into a little backstory about myself. Up until then my family had only ever owned one console from the most recent generation at any given time (and yes, consoles were effectively family-owned). On top of this, we tended to join the most recent generation (at best) a half-generation behind due to cost considerations; and, as icing on the cake, our choices tended to put us on the "losing" side of the current console war (though not the outright-failing side).

All this meant we got a Sega Genesis in 1996; what this meant was that from '96 to '98 I was incurably obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog. Technically speaking this obsession can be traced back to the early 90's when I watched the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons --- both the good one and the bad one; either way, it became full blown once I actually owned the relevant system. I owned every "main" Sonic game from "One" through & Knuckles, plus 3-D Blast and Mean Bean Machine. I not only followed the comic book, and it's spin-offs, I actually purchased back-orders of certain issues. I had it bad; looking back, it might have continued in that fashion indefinitely were it not for the fact that in X-Mas 1998, we finally got a Nintendo 64, and I was permanently distracted by what some sources claim to be the greatest game of all time.

But even thought that initial mania had long since faded into the mists of time, and even though it had been deadened by almost a decade's worth of novel content, shifting tastes, and a rapid decline in the quality of new games in the franchise, that period of my life had still left a mark on my soul. And even before I had scrolled down to see the screenshots or teaser trailer, the realization hit me, not so much a conscious decision than it was an epiphany: I would have to buy this game.

Of course, aside from the price of the game itself (~$50 was a little daunting, considering I was at the time employed at a seasonal part-time job that would soon be ending, with nothing solid on the horizon), there was one major hurtle. If you've been paying attention, you'll have noted that my family was then still on the previous generation of consoles --- a GameCube, to be exact. This meant that I would first have to buy a Wii -- and the only way I was going to be buying this game was if I could justify purchasing an entirely new system for it. There had never been any single game that had had that power over me; only Twilight Princess had ever even come close, and that had been a moot point ever since they had announced the GameCube version.

Unfortunately for me, Brawl had already been a very attractive lure, and the addition of Sonic was in some ways merely the straw that broke the camel's back.

Doubly unfortunate for me, this "epiphany" had come just as it was announced that Nintendo's rate of Wii production was at roughly Inadequate Number units per month; the chances of my getting a Wii by the launch of the product were grim*

This is where a friend of mine comes in. Said friend had acquired a Wii when they first came out. Said friend had also become jaded with the product, and (unlike myself) felt nothing in the forseeable future would be worth buying for it. Said friend, basically, was looking to sell their Wii, and was looking to friends first. The only problem there (apart from the aforementioned lack of personal funds in general) was that he would have no use for his Wii games, or extra Wiimote, or two nunchucks once his Wii was gone. Thus, they would all be included in the final sale --- jacking up the price from the street value of ~$250 to an even $300. These games included a game I already owned for the GameCube, a game I had no real interest in playing, and a game apparently everyone hated.

I held out for about a month; after seeing the X-mas Wii Shortage first-hand (as a newly-hired electronics store employee), and under threat of another potential buyer, I finally caved. This not only marked the first time I had bought a console expressly for a game exclusive to it, it was also the first time I bought a console with my own money, period, to say nothing of breaking the console cycle my family had been in since the NES days. As soon as my treasury recovered from that initial purchase, I pre-ordered Brawl, and that, as they say, is all she wrote.

Well, except for one last detail: After I finally got the game, I had the same friend over to try out the multiplayer. The game left an impression on him. Large enough for him to go out and get the game and another Wii to play it on. Go figure.





*And of course, it had to be launch when I got it, otherwise the Internet would spoil everything still kept as a suprise about the game long before I ever had a chance to play it. Hell, as it was, I had a self-imposed fast from the Internet As Culture for about a month surrounding the launch for the very same reason.

Anime Episode = Canadian B-Movie DVD Special Feature?

Posting Location: My Home, Parma, OH.


So one of the perks of being employed by a brick-and-mortar film rental store is that I can rent up to five DVDs or games per week for free, pre-release DVDs included. Being free, this has led to me branching out in both my film tastes and my rental standards. Stemming from the latter, one of the DVDs I got recently was Loch Ness Terror, a film which thanks the nation of Canada at least three times in their credits for the tax loopholes they took advantage of during production (and almost in as many words). To give you a further idea of the film's quality, note the title, then note the fact that almost the entire plot takes place in and around Lake Superior*.

The film is about what you'd expect from no-budget horror, and the DVD special features are also largely predictable. You have cast and crew commentaries, because nowadays you can barely call it a DVD if it doesn't have these. You have a "making-of" featurette, for much the same reason. You have about a dozen trailers for other films, because no B-Movie experience is complete without a preview for something called "Zombie Strippers". And you have the first full episode of the English dub of Blood+ because ....um........huh.

It was actually this revelation on the back cover that made me rent the damn thing in the first place. After enduring** both the film and the episode, I still don't get the link, other than that they're both (allegedly) "horror" and they both have a connection to Sony Pictures. Is this kind of thing something we should fear in the future?





*And it's clearly Lake Superior in the film and not some other much smaller lake or possibly large river.

**Although "enduring" might be too strong a word. The film did have what I can only describe as a "cryptozoologist cowboy" with a Soviet microwave gun (?!), and I can definitely see it doing well with the archetypal "big group of geeks."

I'm Not Dead Yet...Unlike These Zombies Over Here

Posting Location: My Home, Parma, OH.


Honestly, I'm not sure when I'll next get the opportunity to post to my blog (what with trying to find a job before now, and next month looking to be a busy one as well) but I didn't want my favorite holiday to go by without at least one post, so I figured I'd put this up. This is from about three years ago, so it no longer quite syncs up with my sense of humor, but close enough (I've edited out the most embarassing bits). Enjoy!

What Makes Costumes Scary

[]...I thought I’d do a little look at one of the holiday’s most well-known traditions: “Egging the crap out of houses that don’t give you candy.” Whoops, sorry, I meant “Dressing up in scary costumes and egging the crap out of houses that don’t give you candy.” Now, we all already know why we traditionally dress up in scary costumes on Halloween. It goes back to the Middle Ages, when people would dress as monsters on All Hallows Eve to frighten the ghosts and devils that came out that night into giving them candy. But exactly what makes these costumes scary in the first place? This is what I will explore in this week’s segment.

1.) Vampires: Vampires are undead beings that drink people’s blood, and were invented by Vlad the Impaler in 1889. They are vulnerable to sunlight, unless they’re wearing sunglasses. They’re vulnerable to crosses and holy water, unless they’re really really powerful. They’re vulnerable to garlic, buried wine, scattered grain, and cannot cross running water, unless you live in the 21st century. A person bitten by a vampire automatically turns into a pale-skinned person who dresses in dark clothes and attends LARP sessions. A vampire in the area usually means that you get vampire slayers, which are either sexy, quick-witted female slayers or silent, half-vampire male slayers. Either way, you get the fans associated with vampire slayers, which are typically enough to frighten Alfred Hitchcock.

2.) Werewolves: Half of the fear associated with werewolves comes in the uncertainty of what kind of werewolf you’re dealing with. Getting bit by a werewolf is like getting bit by a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get. You could end up a Wolfman-type, you could turn into a normal wolf, you could turn into a half-wolf half-human, you could turn into a wolf that can open doors, you could turn into one of those Wolfos things from Legend of Zelda --- it’s a toss-up. The other half of the fear comes from the fact that they remind you of furries, which are always immensely terrifying unless we’re talking about Sonic The Hedgehog, or maybe StarFox.

3.) Frankenstein: Despite the fact that Victor von Frankenstein only made one Frankenstein Monster, you see literally hundreds of these things all over the place come October. While I at first had a “Santa’s Little Helpers”-type theory to go with this, I stumbled across the truth --- they’ve been warring across the millenia ever since their creation in the late 1800’s, following the mantra “There Can Be Only One!!!” And they’re all trying to become “The One,” and whenever one dies, all the rest get stronger!!! And it’s said “The One” will be able to fly around and dodge bullets and lead the human resistance to victory against our heartless machine masters!!! I think I forgot what I was talking about.

4.) Ghosts: For some reason, these creatures are immaterial enough to walk through walls and tell people they suck in Ouiji boards, but solid enough to kill one of your men unless you eat a power pellet first. They get even more frightening when you eat them and they’re reduced to a pair of floating eyes, however, because then they steal your sheets and cut eye-holes in them (sometimes too many, which results in them getting a lot of rocks). This, in turn, leaves your bed uncovered, thus making it easier for the alligator underneath it to sneak out and eat you. You can, of course, stop an alligator quite simply by holding it’s jaws shut, because the muscles that open the jaws are horribly weak, but the only way to do this without losing your hand is to become Steve Irwin. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Who's probably a ghost himself by now (*ba-dum tish*)]

5.) Skeletons: The human form, reduced in death to it’s basest component, the skeleton reminds everyone instinctively of Health class. This in turn frightens us with the prospect of recieving apples and other “healthy alternatives to candy” during Halloween. But the horror doesn’t stop there, for this in turn conjures images of exercise, developmental health, puberty, and sexuality. Soon you’re thinking of STD’s and safe sex and gods only know what other horrors from your youth. Skeletons typically dwell in graveyards, in dungeons, in closets, tacked on front doors, and sporting fashionable new clothes in Ambercrombie & Fitch ads.
Their lesser cousins, Skulls, are just as frightening, reminding us of Hamlet, pirates, and the Punisher.

6.) Mummies: Mummies are a sign of the end times. It was because of a mummy that The Rock became a film actor [EDITOR'S NOTE: The Doom film only further validates my opinion that this was a bad thing]. It is because of mummies that we have mummy jokes (“Who did the monster cry to when he stubbed his toe?”). It is because of mummies that we have a Food Pyramid instead of a Food Groups now. But possibly most frightening of all, a person dressed as a mummy symbolizes a complete lack of toilet paper at their house. *shudder* If you disturb a mummy in their tomb they curse you for a thousand years, but the joke’s on them because most people cursed by mummies don’t even last the next couple months!!

7.) Witches: These servants of Satan fly around on their broomsticks at night, dressed in their pointy hats and black dresses, to do evil to us normal humans. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Poorly executed jokes confusing the Halloween witch with real-life Wiccans and other Neo-Pagans removed to protect the guilty.] Witches were invented by The Dark Prince working through William Shakespeare when he wrote about the Three Old Witches in his immortal 1996 classic, William Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet. In that movie, the witches made the Titanic sink, which shows you how evil they are!!!

8.) Devils: Although one might argue that devils are more sexy than scary, they are traditionally capable of summoning something truly frightening: Radical Christians Convinced Halloween Is Dedicated To Worshiping Satan. With every new devil sighted on Halloween, our fear of getting Harvest Time Cross-Word Puzzles and WWJD Bracelets in our bags increases. (If any of our readers actually do this on Halloween, then I’m very sorry. I’ll make sure not to go to your house for candy this year, and instead skip right to the hiding in [your] basement with a roll of duct tape and an untraceable cell phone. I mean I don’t trick-or-treat anymore. I mean I don’t hide in people’s basements on Halloween to scare the crap out of them on the phone and tape up their pets. I mean...fuck, okay, which is worse, trick-or-treating at my age or the duct tape thing?)

9.) Pirates: These high-sea thieves are the predecessors to cyborgs. When they lose a limb, they replace it with something else --- much like the use of prosthetic limbs today --- but their substitutes are twisted mockeries of the human form. Instead of a fake hand, pirates get hooks, which they use to rip through their enemies and terrorize horny teenagers at Make-Out Ridge (he’s only got One Hand!!!). Instead of getting bitchin’ prosthetic metal legs, they fashion peg legs which they use to stab opponents with great efficiency in their Pirate-Fu. And instead of glass eyes which look really creepy but really cool when you tap them with a pen, they get eye-patches that steal your soul. Sometimes you get skeleton pirates, which make you think about having safe sex with cyborgs.

10.) French Maids: Aside from reminding one instinctively and uncomfortably of Fran Dreschner, french maids are cold-blooded killers. I’ve read one or one murder-mystery novel before. I’ve [played] Clue and Clue Jr. And I can tell you, if it’s not the butler that did it, then it was the maid!!! This kind of thing is so common that I would go so far as to say that the body-count associated with the average French maid is greater than all the escaped psychos, undead spirits of revenge, possessed dolls, hockey goalies, and people in Scream masks combined. If you ever see one in the Conservatory with a Lead Pipe, run like fucking hell.

11.) Cardboard Boxes Painted To Look Like Robots: I swear those goddamn cardboard boxes are getting smarter every year. Although their plot to take over the world has so far been unsuccessful [...], they are rapidly adapting to new scenarios. Their plot to hide all our new stuff under fuck-tons of paper popcorn has been failing due to their underestimation of the human will to dig around for shit, so they have now upped the ante by pretending to be robot costumes to gain our trust. DON’T BE FOOLED!!!

12.) Clowns, Scarecrows, Med Patients With Their Butts Showing, Yu-Gi-Oh Characters: Do you really need an explanation on why these are terrifying?

13.) Zombies: Now this one I don’t get. I mean, I can’t think of anything cuter than a flesh-eating zombie! Unless they’re Nazi zombies; that’s, like, the ultimate enemy right there. I mean, let’s face it, no matter how much you hate someone, if it comes between fighting that person and teaming up with them to fight a bunch of Nazi zombies, you’re going to team up with them and fight the Nazi zombies!!

Ah, memories.

Happy Halloween everyone!

"New Blogger" And Temporary Locations

Posting Location: My Boyfriend's Place, Columbus, OH.

Check out item #3 on their list of new features:

Labels

Give your posts a category label so that you and your readers can easily sort by topic.

The concept seems familiar for some reason... *glances at sidebar*

Also, as can be seen at the top, I am now officially out of University Village, and spending anywhere from three days to a week at my boyfriend's house. More posts may follow on that topic, but honestly, I'm still amazed my computer isn't blowing up with what I had to do to get it set up here.

More An Excuse To Show I'm Still Alive

Posting Location: University Village.

Incidentally, this will be the last post I'll be making from University Village Apartments. Summer Commencement was this past Sunday, and I'm moving out / getting kicked out of the apartment I currently inhabit today. Hopefully I'll have time to make a more substantial post later today.

So, um....how about that Penny Arcade game, huh?

Graduating From Life

Posting Location: University Village.

With Summer Commencement less than two weeks away at this point, I've discovered a disturbing trend in my plans for the future, as well as those for these last two weeks. Essentially, my thoughts have been treating my graduation and my death as the same thing. I was initially unsure as to why this was. After all, I'm not suicidal, and I recognize that life continues after college. Yet these thoughts persisted. However, I think I have now stumbled on the reasons behind this thinking.

Firstly, college graduation is more or less the last major hierarchical landmark in my life. Up to this point, my future has always been defined by time until the next highest stage in my education. In elementary school, my next landmark was junior high; in junior high, high school; in high school, college; and in college, college graduation. The thing is, once I graduate, there is no higher stage I automatically look forward too. Sure, there's graduate school (an option everyone around me doesn't seem to want to shut up about), but I have no idea when I'd be able to afford that, what I'd be doing once I've gone there, or even if I want to go at all. Everything past college graduation is unfixed in time; there is no set, automatic time before such-and-such event in my life happens anymore. The only concrete landmarks left to me in this case become the landmark years of my own age.

This is the point where the number "30" rears it's head.

Sure, it's still six years in the future. I can barely remember six years ago. This is not the point. It essentially marks the first time I've been looking ahead to my own greater age, and in the process at my own mortality. This is, of course, if one discounts me looking ahead towards the ages of "18" and "21", but even those don't really count; they were, let's be honest, actually me looking ahead to "legal pornography" and "legal drinking." Also, I think there was something about voting in there too. Regardless, 30 marks the first time I've been looking ahead to my age without any incentives to "sweeten the deal," and it's starting to affect me.

Of course, the second part of this has to do with the fact that I'm heavily influenced by Internet culture and modern geek culture in general, where at the age of 30 one may as well be dead.

Now that I've identified what is going on, I've been able to start diverting my thinking to somewhat less morbid paths. Still, it is traditional to wear all black to commencement, and there is a procession to the ceremony...