Posting Location: University Village.With
Summer Commencement less than two weeks away at this point, I've discovered a disturbing trend in my plans for the future, as well as those for these last two weeks. Essentially, my thoughts have been treating my graduation and my death as the same thing. I was initially unsure as to why this was. After all, I'm not suicidal, and I recognize that life continues after college. Yet these thoughts persisted. However, I think I have now stumbled on the reasons behind this thinking.
Firstly, college graduation is more or less the last major hierarchical landmark in my life. Up to this point, my future has always been defined by time until the next highest stage in my education. In
elementary school, my next landmark was
junior high; in junior high, high school; in high school, college; and in college, college graduation. The thing is, once I graduate, there is no higher stage I automatically look forward too. Sure, there's graduate school (an option everyone around me doesn't seem to want to shut up about), but I have no idea when I'd be able to afford that, what I'd be doing once I've gone there, or even
if I want to go at all. Everything past college graduation is unfixed in time; there is no set, automatic time before such-and-such event in my life happens anymore. The only concrete landmarks left to me in this case become the landmark years of my own age.
This is the point where the number "30" rears it's head.
Sure, it's still six years in the future. I can barely remember six years
ago. This is not the point. It essentially marks the first time I've been looking ahead to my own greater age, and in the process at my own mortality. This is, of course, if one discounts me looking ahead towards the ages of "18" and "21", but even those don't really count; they were, let's be honest, actually me looking ahead to "legal pornography" and "legal drinking." Also, I think there was something about voting in there too. Regardless, 30 marks the first time I've been looking ahead to my age without any incentives to "sweeten the deal," and it's starting to affect me.
Of course, the second part of this has to do with the fact that I'm heavily influenced by Internet culture and modern geek culture in general, where at the age of 30 one may as well
be dead.
Now that I've identified what is going on, I've been able to start diverting my thinking to somewhat less morbid paths. Still, it
is traditional to wear all black to commencement, and there
is a procession to the ceremony...
Labels: life rant, University Village
